No Blood No Foul

Boston closed out the Hawks yesterday in a game heralded by the media as “potentially the biggest upset in history.” While the Hawks definitely gave Boston a scare, the series was never that close. Boston outplayed Atlanta in every game - except for a few fourth quarters. Based on that experience, here’s what we now know about the Boston Celtics:

1. The Boston Celtics bench is no longer a weak point. Leon Powe, Glen Davis, and Eddie House have all proven that they can provide meaningful minutes. Add in Posey (a guy that’s good enough to start on a lot of teams in the league), and savvy vets Sam Cassell and PJ Brown, and you have a team that’s deep enough to go all the way. Kudos to Danny Ainge for acquiring those two vets, and kudos to Doc Rivers for bringing along the younger guys.

2. Rajon Rondo is still the weakest starter on the team, but his shortcomings will be minimized as long as Cassell is available off the bench. Rondo’s game is highly dependent on getting in the lane (something elite teams do a great job of stopping). Take that away from him and it throws off his rythym - offensively and defensively. Lucky for Boston, they’ve got a fantastic point guard coming off the bench in Sam Cassell, so it won’t be an issue.

3. Doc Rivers might cost Boston a championship. It’s clear to most observers that Doc can’t coach at an elite level. He doesn’t understand late-game management, and he has trouble understanding and exploiting match-ups. See games 3,4, and 6 of the Hawks series. Don’t get me wrong - Boston might be able to overcome their coaching handicap. Still, I think every remaining team in the playoffs has a better coach than Rivers.

4. The Celtics have trouble with teams that play at a fast pace with a lot of athleticism. Luckily, they won’t face any more teams like that this year, at least not until the NBA finals (if they make it that far).

5. The Celtics team chemistry is as good as any. A lot of commentators talk about the fact that Boston hasn’t played together enough to win it all, but I think that’s wrong. Look at the way the team has pulled together in tough games all year - they’ve got plenty of chemistry to go all the way.

6. Lebron James is going to give Boston fits. Imagine a stronger, faster, and more capable version of Joe Johnson tear-assing through the Celtic’s defense. Lebron is going to single-handedly terrorize the Celtics defense. Will his supporting cast be enough to put his team over the top? I don’t think so, but it will definitely be close.

7. Detroit controls Boston’s future. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - Detroit is a better team than Boston. But will Detroit play like the better team in the conference championship? If every Detroit Piston is focused, and I mean totally focused, Detroit’s superior point guard play, bench depth, coaching, and experience should prevail. Boston’s bench is good now, but I’d still take the “zoo crew” over them. Having said that, Detroit did collapse last year against Cleveland. It’s going to be a great series…

I like Boston’s chances of reaching the NBA championship - I’d say it’s an even money bet.

Mike Bibby recently said that Boston’s fans are “bandwagon jumpers…I played here [in Boston] last year and I didn’t see most of them.” Talk about honest - most of Boston’s current fans weren’t planning on attending games, cheering their team on, or wearing any jerseys until KG and Ray Allen came to town. But Mike Bibby was wrong to single out Celtics fans - the truth is most NBA fans suck. Here’s why:

1 . Your average NBA fan doesn’t understand the game.

Unless you’re watching the Lakers or the Knicks play, you rarely hear a home crowd boo their own team. Why? Because in most cities, the fans don’t know what to expect from their team. When the Lakers or the Knicks blow a lead, give up consecutive offensive rebounds, or miss an easy shot, their fans let them have it. These things are caused by laziness. These things are caused by stupidity. These things are unacceptable. When was the last time you booed your team for doing something stupid or lazy? Maybe you haven’t booed them because you don’t know how the game is played.

2 . NBA fans are drunk.

Attend any game at any arena in America and you’ll find beer. Lots of beer. Some arenas even serve shots and mixed drinks. I’ve got nothing against enjoying alcohol, but there’s something about public events that encourages the average fan to over imbibe. Drunkeness is only enjoyable for drunk people - everyone else is irritated.

3 . NBA fans imagine they’re important.

This one really gets me - people saying “WE DID IT!” after their team wins. WTF? Really? “We” did it? What exactly did you do? Was it that order of nachos that pushed your team over the top, or was it that time you high-fived the guy next to you when so-and-so hit a shot? Unless you’re working out one of your team’s players in practice, you can shut the hell up about this “we did it” business.

4 . NBA fans only participate when their team wins.

Remember when the Pacers were good? That stadium was full every game (about 20k people). This season, Indiana has the league’s lowest attendance figures (about 12k a game). Did 8,000 game ticket buying Pacers fans die in the last 4 years? No. The answer is that those Pacer fans are busy buying Celtics jerseys and talking about how they’ve been a Celtics fan since Bird joined the team in 1980 whatever. Ya right.

5. The “I could have made that play” BS.

You’re watching the game with your friends and your team blows a layup. Somebody quips “I COULD HAVE MADE THAT ONE!!”. Really?! Shut the #@% UP. You can’t even run the length of the court three times. Next time you (or someone you know) starts to utter that phrase, I want you to stop and say “these men are elite athletes - I am a couch potato.” Keep saying it until you believe it, or until your pizza shows up. Fat ass.

Here’s why NY and LA NBA fans are better:

Every year, regardless of the team, regardless of the record, NY and LA enjoy full or nearly full arenas. Just because the team isn’t playing well doesn’t mean fans aren’t buying tickets. NY and LA fans will also boo their team when they’re playing poorly, something I have yet to see in another arena (at least consistently). Finally, and perhaps most importantly, your average run-of-the-mill moron can’t afford to buy tickets to a Lakers or Knicks game. When you keep those people out, the “we did it” mob mentality doesn’t grab hold like it does in a lot of the cheaper arenas in the country.

I hope that I made you laugh. I also hope that I made you think. I really hope I pissed some people off. The truth is that just about everyone has done one or more of these things themselves. You can be mad, you can argue with me and say “my team’s fans are better because blah blah blah”, or you can stop sucking as a fan. Read more. Listen more than you talk. Crack a book sometime in the off-season and learn how the game is played. Get out on the court and run some suicides, do a rebounding drill, and try making a 23 foot jumper. Then maybe you’ll appreciate the game for what it is - the greatest game on the planet.

That’s right! We’ve re-enacted Stephon Marbury and NY Knicks intern Kathleen Decker having sex in Steph’s truck outside a strip club.

OK, OK, so their isn’t any skin. Sorry. We don’t have that kind of money. But we do have time to waste and a truck that we didn’t mind shaking like crazy. If you like the video, tell your friends. We’re trying to start something here…

Shout out to Mark for help making this happen.

P.S. Sorry about the bad “taking it to the hole joke.” We couldn’t resist.

In what has to be one of the funnier headlines I’ve seen in a while, Latrell Sprewell defaulted on the mortgage of his 70 foot yacht “Milwaukee’s Best”. While Sprewell couldn’t be reached for comment, I’m going to assume he decided to sacrifice his boat in order to “feed his family.” Evidently, the payments were $10,322 a month. By my calculation, Latrell can now afford to buy 10 “Connoisseur Collection” Trump steak packages with enough money left over for some charcoal briquet’s and starter fluid.

Here’s a picture of the yacht:

Good for Latrell — maybe now all those people who criticized him for turning down a $21 million dollar contract offer in 2004 will apologize.

In fact, I’m going to start a “Feed Latrell’s Family” food drive. Send any non-perishable food items to:

Latrell Sprewell

c/o “My Family is F^%@in Starvin’ M$%#@rf^%@er!!”

Minnesota Timberwolves

600 First Ave North Minneapolis, MN 55403

I stumbled across a book today that struck me as odd — it’s called “Open Your Heart With Basketball“, and I must say my initial reaction was skeptical.

Who writes self-help books emphasizing better living through basketball?

Turns out the author, Chris Bibey, is a young basketball playing cancer survivor turned author. Bibey played forward at La Roche College, a D III school in western PA. While undergoing thyroid cancer treatment, Bibey helped his team compete in the conference finals. I won’t repeat all of the details here, but suffice to say it’s a great story about a kid going above and beyond in spite of what life threw at him.

I’m not sure what the book is about - I’ve never read it - but you should check out Chris Bibey’s blog. He’s giving one of his books away.

It’s true — crooked NBA refs are everywhere. Now that the secrets out, what’s the next logical step?

Make a MOVIE! Here’s the trailer: