No Blood No Foul

Mike Bibby recently said that Boston’s fans are “bandwagon jumpers…I played here [in Boston] last year and I didn’t see most of them.” Talk about honest - most of Boston’s current fans weren’t planning on attending games, cheering their team on, or wearing any jerseys until KG and Ray Allen came to town. But Mike Bibby was wrong to single out Celtics fans - the truth is most NBA fans suck. Here’s why:

1 . Your average NBA fan doesn’t understand the game.

Unless you’re watching the Lakers or the Knicks play, you rarely hear a home crowd boo their own team. Why? Because in most cities, the fans don’t know what to expect from their team. When the Lakers or the Knicks blow a lead, give up consecutive offensive rebounds, or miss an easy shot, their fans let them have it. These things are caused by laziness. These things are caused by stupidity. These things are unacceptable. When was the last time you booed your team for doing something stupid or lazy? Maybe you haven’t booed them because you don’t know how the game is played.

2 . NBA fans are drunk.

Attend any game at any arena in America and you’ll find beer. Lots of beer. Some arenas even serve shots and mixed drinks. I’ve got nothing against enjoying alcohol, but there’s something about public events that encourages the average fan to over imbibe. Drunkeness is only enjoyable for drunk people - everyone else is irritated.

3 . NBA fans imagine they’re important.

This one really gets me - people saying “WE DID IT!” after their team wins. WTF? Really? “We” did it? What exactly did you do? Was it that order of nachos that pushed your team over the top, or was it that time you high-fived the guy next to you when so-and-so hit a shot? Unless you’re working out one of your team’s players in practice, you can shut the hell up about this “we did it” business.

4 . NBA fans only participate when their team wins.

Remember when the Pacers were good? That stadium was full every game (about 20k people). This season, Indiana has the league’s lowest attendance figures (about 12k a game). Did 8,000 game ticket buying Pacers fans die in the last 4 years? No. The answer is that those Pacer fans are busy buying Celtics jerseys and talking about how they’ve been a Celtics fan since Bird joined the team in 1980 whatever. Ya right.

5. The “I could have made that play” BS.

You’re watching the game with your friends and your team blows a layup. Somebody quips “I COULD HAVE MADE THAT ONE!!”. Really?! Shut the #@% UP. You can’t even run the length of the court three times. Next time you (or someone you know) starts to utter that phrase, I want you to stop and say “these men are elite athletes - I am a couch potato.” Keep saying it until you believe it, or until your pizza shows up. Fat ass.

Here’s why NY and LA NBA fans are better:

Every year, regardless of the team, regardless of the record, NY and LA enjoy full or nearly full arenas. Just because the team isn’t playing well doesn’t mean fans aren’t buying tickets. NY and LA fans will also boo their team when they’re playing poorly, something I have yet to see in another arena (at least consistently). Finally, and perhaps most importantly, your average run-of-the-mill moron can’t afford to buy tickets to a Lakers or Knicks game. When you keep those people out, the “we did it” mob mentality doesn’t grab hold like it does in a lot of the cheaper arenas in the country.

I hope that I made you laugh. I also hope that I made you think. I really hope I pissed some people off. The truth is that just about everyone has done one or more of these things themselves. You can be mad, you can argue with me and say “my team’s fans are better because blah blah blah”, or you can stop sucking as a fan. Read more. Listen more than you talk. Crack a book sometime in the off-season and learn how the game is played. Get out on the court and run some suicides, do a rebounding drill, and try making a 23 foot jumper. Then maybe you’ll appreciate the game for what it is - the greatest game on the planet.

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